I think humans are controllers by nature – at least some of us. We do everything we can to achieve. We plan. We make timelines. We set goals. We evaluate and re-evaluate. But what happens when you do everything within your power to achieve something, and it doesn’t happen for you? Do you question yourself? Do you blame yourself? Do you stop trying? Do you question God?
At church this past Sunday, our pastor was talking about how we ask God for these big things in our life, but yet, we don’t often give Him credit when those things happen. In prayer, in our personal relationship with God, we should absolutely be laying out our fears and asking for our biggest dreams to come true. We should absolutely be asking questions. And we should absolutely be praising God and remembering His word and promises. It might sound obvious to praise God for the big things, but what about the small things and the things that seem to fall into place just perfectly?
I tell you what, there are a lot of question in the above two paragraphs. I’ve been questioning God a lot. As so many people around me have school-aged children, or are getting pregnant with their first, second, third child, I am sitting here wondering why not me? Why do I seemingly have to work so much harder than everyone else to get the one thing I desire most? It’s a fair question if you ask me. And it’s not one posed in bitter jealousy. I believe that I can celebrate with my loved ones about their growing families, despite my struggle. In the deepest part of my heart, I know that God will bless us immensely when it comes to growing our family – whether we adopt tonight or have to wait another few years for our blessing. It’s in God’s timing and it’s going to be better than I could imagine. He shows us all the time that he is working in our life, we just have to be willing to see it and be patient. But recently, I’ve been asking for some signs that He is still there and working in my life.
So what do I do while I’m waiting for this dream of growing my family to come true? How do I stay positive and keep my mind, body, and soul active? Well, I quit my job. I have been praying a lot. We are working on finding a new church home. Projects and crafts around the house. Reading and snuggling with the fluffs. But the biggest thing I’ve wanted, something I’ve always wanted to do and imagined myself doing, is coach softball. On and off over the last year or so, I’ve applied to a handful of open local high school coaching jobs – head coach, assistant coach, you name it. I wanted to get my foot in the door and get some coaching experience and positively impact the lives of some young women. Guess what. There has been zero interest shown in interviewing me. For those who don’t know me, I played for 15 years, including a couple years in college. Ten years of my life were basically dedicated to competitive softball. I kept seeing these positions filled and door after door would shut, despite good experience, strong knowledge of the game, and amazing reference letters. The lack of actual coaching experience is going to kill my dream of coaching, right? And I don’t just want to coach; I want to coach at the highest level I can possibly coach at… but is this just another dream that is (or feels) unattainable? Something I have no control over?
Last week, I reached out to my college coach to see if she needed any help for the upcoming season at Clackamas Community College. Considering that practice for the fall ball season starts next week, I assumed she would have all the coaching staff she needs and that it was a long shot (but maybe I could volunteer every now and then?). I mean, I sort of felt down on myself and like maybe I’m not supposed to get into coaching since all the doors keep closing on me. But I decided to look at it differently. Just because the door shuts, doesn’t mean I can’t climb through a window to achieve the goal, right?! Maybe God is trying to show me a different way. Maybe climbing through the window and taking a different path than I imagined will get me to a better destination than I imagined.
Upon my reaching out, she responded very positively and inquired about my ability to be a pitching and catching coach (just happens to be the areas I specialize in). We met up this morning to discuss the opportunity and needs of the team, and it turns out that this is going to be a very good fit all around. She’d been feeling like that role would work itself out and fall into place, and if not, it was something she could take on herself. So when I reached out, things clicked for her… And not only am I about to get some official coaching experience and get involved in softball again, but it’s at the college level – for a team that feels more like a family – with a head coach who I loved playing for and who will be a great mentor – at a school with a great culture. God blessed me today in a big way and showed me why He kept closing the doors on the other coaching jobs I was applying for. He had something better in store for me. Maybe that’s also the case with the other things I’m waiting on in life.